― 128 ―

The Haunted Lagoon

There was once a man who came from Bundanoon,
And a maiden from the town of Kangaloon,
And each evening in the gloaming,
They would go together roaming
Down a winding track that led to a lagoon,
Where they'd spoon,
And talk nonsense by the glimmer of the moon.

He was wood-and-water Joey at the “Star"
Where she waited, and assisted at the bar;
He was fair, and tall, and slender,
She was dark, and plump, and tender;
And he told her that her eyes were brighter far
Than a star,
Which remark just proves how stupid lovers are.

  ― 129 ―
But, through sitting in the moonlight on a log,
Or meandering 'mid the bracken in a fog,
With the glass approaching zero,
Influenza gripped our hero,
Which resulted in his talking like a frog,
Or a hog,
Whilst his cough was like the barking of a dog.

And the falling dew descending from the trees,
With the moisture that was borne upon the breeze,
Caused a bronchial inflammation,
So our hero's conversation
Was a cross between a snuffle and a wheeze,
Whilst his sneeze
Used to shake him from his elbows to his knees.

And he'd sit, and court, and spoon until he froze,
'Till he couldn't tell his fingers from his toes.
Yet he'd plead with her and flatter,
Whilst his teeth would snap and chatter,
And his speech was punctuated by the blows
Of his nose.
(In his wretched state he called his nose his “dose".)

  ― 130 ―
So he said to her “Sweet baid - Atchoo! - be bide,
Let us dwell for ever side - Atchoo! - by side.
Say the word, you dearest pet, you,
That shall - bake you - you - U-retchoo!
That shall bake you - bake you by - Atchoo! - by bride,
Add by pride;
Add for everbore I'll be - U-retchoo! - thide.

Let be steal frob those sweet lips wud fodd caress,
Let theb speak that wud sweet word - Ah-tishoo! - Yes.
By thy love I'll thed be richer,
Bake by burdig heart - Ah-ticher!
Bake by burdig heart this blissful bobedt bless,
Do say yes.
Say - At-choo! Atchoo! - you'll crowd by happidess.”

But she positively spurned his fond refrain,
Though she said she didn't wish to give him pain.
Hot-baked hearts she'd seen a-many,
But she wasn't taking any,
Then she added that he'd water on the brain,
That was plain.
And she cocked her little nose up in disdain.

  ― 131 ―
So the man from Bundanoon, in his despair,
Cried "Cads't thou be false add yet - Atchoo! - so fair?
Burst - Atchoo! - ye clouds asudder!
Flash ye lightdigs! Boob thou thudder!
It's edough to bake a bortal - Tishoo! - swear,
I declare.”
And the man from Bundanoon then tore his hair.

And they parted by the germ-infested shore
Of the lake that “skylark never warbled o'er.”
And the wild fowl left its waters,
And the 'possum changed its quarters,
So the pool became more silent than before,
For the roar
Of that sneeze, disturbed the echoes - never more.

For they found his sodden corpse in the lagoon,
Where he floated, calmly staring at the moon,
And some folks who went there boating
Said they heard, Ah-tishoo! floating
O'er its waters; so they ceased to go and spoon
Very soon,
And especially the maid from Kangaloon.